I’ve got to get out of this funk. I’m sure all moms experience a funk. I’m sure mine if from the non-stop couch sleeping, medicine giving, popsicle providing and midnight check-ins, but I also know that I struggle with funk throughout the year. My funk is driven by anxiety. Not normal anxiety. Not anxiety with or for a purpose, but at times anxiety over just the little things. I look at my house and see little piles of clutter, or laundry that either needs washed or put away. Little projects become like a little bug bite. It doesn’t bother you until you scratch it. In my brain, little projects start to bother me when I start to obsess over them, and soon enough I’m awake at 3:00 a.m. thinking about all the projects or house chores that need to be done.
It’s a vicious cycle. OCD – I want everything to have a place and everything in it’s place. If you use it, put it away. If you eat off it, put it in the dishwasher. If you wear it, hang it up. If it’s folded, put it away. If it’s garbage, throw it away. When things are not put away, I try to ignore it for a while, but then the anxiety of having stuff everywhere is like a boiling teakettle or blowing up a balloon…it’s going to pop. Once the anxiety kicks in, it doesn’t stop. I think about it. Start to clean up everybody else’s mess, get angry that I’m the only one cleaning and it never stops. I have to focus to clean or work on one task at a time, because I can honestly say I have had ADHD before it was even a diagnosis. In 3rd grade, my mom was appalled to see that my desk was surrounded by those portable flip charts, so I couldn’t even make eye contact with my peers. I think I spent more time sitting outside the classroom door in the hallway then any of my peers, and I was a frequent flyer card holder of the recess detention club. Now, as an adult, I make to-do lists to keep myself on track. Sometimes it works other times…well not so much.
Some people just attack their to-do list like a champ. There are days that I own those champ gloves and that list is done in record time. Then there are other days that my ADHD gets in the way, and I can barely find the list, let alone get anything accomplished. On those days, I have such an overwhelming feeling. I can’t sleep or get anything done, but I have no problem obsessing over the tasks at hand. So how do I choose to handle this overwhelming anxiety complicated with a touch of OCD and ADHD? Brain-numbing television.
There are television shows that are suspenseful or dramatic. There are educational shows that make you want to change something in your own life. I absolutely cannot watch HGTV, home building or remodeling shows for very long, because that just feeds my OCD chore lists. Then there are shows that you can watch without even thinking. These shows may actually be killing brain cells as you watch. My current choice of brain-numbing television….Bravo TV.
For anyone wanting to escape reality, I recommend Odd Mom Out. It’s hilarious and yet brain numbing. It reminds me of middle school for grown-ups. One mom that doesn’t fit it and her attempt to avoid the cliques at all cost. She’s quirky and down to earth, but lives among materialistic socialites. She swears, has tattoos and black is her constant accent color against the fashionable pink and neutrals. I think I may have just lost a minimum of 24 hours of my life watching the entire first season of Odd Mom Out On Demand.
Why am I so overwhelmed that I feel the need to binge watch TV and ignore the world, or at least the chore list. OCD! I want a neat house. I want laundry put away. I want a counter that is not a catch all. I want all “piles” put away. I want my garage doors finished…oh wait. I just want garage doors. I want the house sided. I want the front porch stained. I want new gravel in the drive way. I think I want the front fence changed, torn down or rebuilt…I haven’t decided. I want the pool to stop turning green! I want a treehouse built for our youngest. I want the stairs painted. I want our old house sold. I want the non-working car in our driveway GONE! I want the other car totally fixed. I want my home office organized. I want the old TV in the boys room gone and the new TV put up. (Yes. I’m putting a TV in their room with the hopes that they will stay in their own bed.) I want the ATV fixed and running. I want the shed built, and I want the garage organized.
I don’t think this is the list of a normal person. Only a person with OCD and ADHD can make a list like this and then become overwhelmed at the length of the list. Earlier this week…too much stress, too many to-do’s and too many places to be. My reaction – binge watch Bravo.