Not all medical personnel understand an ostomy…
I think the best medical professionals – from lab techs to doctors – are the ones willing to admit to you that they do not know the answer, or that they are not as educated as they should be when it comes to dealing with an ostomy. In this most recent hospital visit, I had professionals from two categories…
Nurse 1: You probably know more than I do about an ostomy, so just tell me what to do.
Nurse 2. I’m not willing to admit that you know more than I do about an ostomy, so I will proceed to sound like a pompous ass about colorectal cancer and ostomy patients.
In the span of six hours, I met with probably ten different medical professionals, and each of one of them fit into one of these two categories.
Nurse 2: You have a long history of bowel obstructions. Have you ever had an NG tube? It would help with the pain and nausea.
Me: You fall into category number 2, and if you try to give me an NG tube, I promise to rip it out and shove it up YOUR nose!
Me: Just to let you know, my blood pressure is always really low, and sometimes plummets into the danger zone (joking…a little).
Nurse 1: Your blood pressure is really low, but you said it’s always low. I would like to give you another bag of fluids.
Me: That sounds reasonable.
Nurse 2: Your blood pressure is 81/63.
Me: Cue Kenny Loggins….”Highway to the Danger Zone”
Nurse 2: Can you stand, so I know you aren’t dizzy?
My actual words: Sure, but if I faint don’t let me hit my face on the bed. OK?
My thoughts: Can someone get Nurse 1!
Nurse 1: I’m not familiar with irrigating an ostomy. So how does that work? How often do you have to irrigate? What happens if you don’t irrigate?
My thoughts: Please don’t let Nurse #2 come back.
Nurse 2: When was the last time you had any output?
Me: More than 24 hours ago. I don’t want to irrigate, because my stomach is so distended and it will hurt even more.
Nurse 2: Do you need to irrigate now?
Me: Did you hear me? I can’t, won’t and shouldn’t even attempt to irrigate right now.
My thoughts: Where is Nurse 1?
Nurse 1: This might sound silly, but can you take a laxative when this happens?
Me: No. If I have real blockage and my part of my bowel is twisted that could be…
Nurse 1: (interrupts me) Oh, yeah. That could be very dangerous.
My thoughts: PLEASE don’t leave me again.
Me to Nurse Practitioner: Sometimes the CT scan doesn’t show a blockage, if it was/is a partial obstruction.
NP: Yes. You are right. Sometimes, if/when it is a partial obstruction, it’s difficult to determine if it’s a blockage or even just gas.
Me: You sound like you have had a patient with an ostomy before.
NP: I worked at University Hospitals for a few years before coming here, and I have had a few.
My thoughts: Thank you Jesus! (Actually, that may have been said out loud!)
Nurse 2: The CT scan shows that nothing is moving. You need a stool softener and a laxative.
Me: No. The contrast sometimes works like a laxative when it’s only a partial bowel obstruction, and I now have bowel sounds.
Nurse 2: I want to get you a laxative.
Me: I want to speak to the nurse practitioner.
Nurse 1: How do you feel now? What do you think?
Me: I have bowel sounds and gas, so that’s good, but I’m still nauseous.
Nurse 1: Is that normal?
Me: No. If the blockage is gone, I should not be naus…can I have the barf bag?!
Nurse 1: (Opening and handing me the bag all in one swoop) I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone that they CAN’T have a barf bag.
Me: Cue the waterfall sounds…
Nurse 2: I’m recommending we discharge you with a script for a stool softener.
Me: Ok. Whatever you say.
Nurse 2: You are constipated.
My thoughts: I bet it looks like constipation on a CT scan, now that the pain medication has helped my body relax and things are moving a little.
Nurse 2: The CT scan doesn’t show any blockage, and it looks like your bowels are working. I have the discharge papers for you.
My thoughts: (Signing the discharge papers) Don’t swear! Don’t swear! Don’t swear!
Me: You are a pompous ass.
My thoughts: Oh, shit. Raise eyebrows, smile and look away.
Thankfully Chris and Maddie arrived shortly after I signed the discharge papers. I asked Chris to grab a barf bag for the road, and as we walked out through the registration area Maddie pointed out that a man had puked on the floor. I thought to myself….Good luck, buddy. I hope you get Nurse 1.
In the end, I can be thankful that this was probably just a partial bowel obstruction and it did work itself out. I didn’t need the NG tube, and I avoided a lengthy hospital stay. As someone living with an ostomy, I’m thankful for medical professionals like Nurse 1 – professionals willing to admit that they don’t have a lot of experience with ostomy patients, but in reality, people like Nurse 2 actually scare me.
Mama-Monster 